Among the most frustrating aspects of being a local church pastor, for me, is dealing with “ghosting.” While the word “ghosting” is a relatively new term usually used in the dating, or friendship, arena, I’ve been dealing with the concept for a very long time. The word refers to people who abruptly cut off contact, even when a text/email/phone call is made (by the ghosted) to maintain or re-establish contact. There is only silence. In all of the many years I’ve served as a local church pastor, I’ve wondered about and been frustrated by “ghosts,” those people who attend worship (and Bible study, too, sometimes) over a few weeks or months (sometimes many months, or even years!) and then they suddenly disappear. And, trying to reach out goes nowhere.

There is only silence.

Trying to convince the ghosts to share with me why they stopped attending Old South is very difficult, usually impossible. When someone has attended for a while and then doesn’t show up for a few weeks, I usually reach out with an email that simply states that I’ve missed seeing them in worship and to ask if there’s anything I can do for them. Almost every single time I’ve sent one of these messages out into the ether, I’ve been met by silence.

The silence is disappointing and frustrating. There are so many questions that I fervently want to have answered. Did she/he/they stop attending because: I said something that was offensive to them? Or, a church member said or did something inappropriate? A new job required that they be at work on Sunday mornings? They decided that the church was not a good fit for them? They didn’t like the worship space? They didn’t like that they had to park across the street from the sanctuary building and had to cross a steep hill to get to the sanctuary? They hate organ music? They don’t like traditional worship? They don’t think women should be worship leaders? They have issues with our Open and Affirming statement? They decided they liked another area church better?

So many questions. So much silence. Occasionally, I can form educated guesses, but for the most part, I’m mystified and left with a swirl of theories that are never satisfied.

It is the rare occasion when someone asks to meet with me to tell me why they will no longer be involved with Old South. In my thirty years of pastoral ministry, I can think of only a handful of people who have asked to speak to me, rather than just vanish without a word. Out of this small group, most were moving away. But, a couple of people have met with me to share their discontent.

A few years ago, a member of Old South decided that she wanted to change churches. There were a bunch of reasons, some of them related to me and a few related to the church in general. She informed a couple of her friends in the congregation, but she initially had no plans to tell me at all. She was just going to stop attending and then send a note when she found a new church home. Those who knew about what was going on begged her to talk to me, emphasizing that it was important that I hear directly from her about what was on her mind and why she planned to search for a new church. Eventually, she contacted me. We met and talked. It wasn’t an especially fun meeting, but it helped me a great deal to understand what was going on in this person’s faith journey and why she felt that Old South was no longer feeding her spirit.

It was good for both of us to engage in that conversation— and significant, and faithful. Christian churches are communities of relationship that seek to live out the teachings of Jesus Christ. Many of those teachings are challenging. Still, those teachings ought to be respected in the variety of ways through which we interact with each other. When a moment arrives that compels someone to move on, or simply stop attending a particular church, it should be part of the deal that a reason is communicated (especially since there are, in these days, so many ways of communicating!). At the very least, the person ought to consider how she/he/they would feel in the event of ghosting. You know, treating others as you would like to be treated, which is very near the top of the important commands Jesus taught.

Church relationships can be messy and I’m sure it’s hard to contemplate the non-ghosting option of actually sharing the reasons why someone decides that a particular church just isn’t working well for them. But, communicating isn’t just a nice thing to do. It ought to be considered essential for anyone who considers themselves in any way to be a follower of Jesus Christ.